WHATEVER

Aug. 18th, 2015 08:57 pm
jevana: ([Elmer + Huey] SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE)
i HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO AND PLURK IS BUTTS THIS WEEK. WHAT IF I JUST PACKED MY BAGS AND WENT BACK TO JOURNALING WHAT THEN

ALSO CAPSLOCKS BECAUSE REASONS
jevana: ([Kiritsugu] --say what?)
Banir [3]
Berman [24]
CC [48]
Jakal [19]
Kim Minsuk [10]
Louie [14 + 3 ferret]
Louis [2]
Lucy [18 + 1 ferret]

Icons under here )
jevana: ([Kiritsugu] I'm trying to smoke here...)
Sooo many icons...

Normal [320]
Automata [32]

More under here )
jevana: ([Kiritsugu + Kirei] ... um? Whut.)
Banir [18]
Berman [35]
Billy [15]
CC [57]
Edwin [63]
Jakal [49]
Kim Minsuk [26]
Louie [32 + 3 ferret]
Louis [5]
Lucy [27 + 4 ferret]
Martina [1]
Prince [4]
Queen [4]

icons go here )
jevana: ([Kiritsugu + Kirei] ... um? Whut.)
I never quite know what to do with myself when plurk dies on me.

This is really sad.
.
jevana: http://youtu.be/98YWS7WuB0o ([Kano] a monster a monster)
"May you live in interesting times."

It's supposed to be a sort of curse.

Not a goal.

And for someone like me, I don't like putting myself at risk.

So how does one live an interesting life like that?

Hilariously, I think I've lived a fairly active life until recent years.

I mean... I look back and I think I was pretty crazy.

There was a lot of pressure.

A lot of stressors.

To the point now that if I don't have stress, I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I feel listless and without purpose.

But at the same time, I know it's my nature.

I'm being avoidant and distant again and this rut of post-hermit mode is wearying.

The funny part is when I was a kid, I thought I lived in a very boring time with a very boring life.

I really lacked perspective back then.

I kind of want to write about it.

But it also feels like a lot of my words have dried up since then.

It could be because RP has become my creative outlet.

But now I want to write more.

Things are about to change up soon, though.

So maybe things will get comfortably hectic for me.

We'll see.
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jevana: http://youtu.be/98YWS7WuB0o (pic#6041444)
Still haven't gotten back into the habit of posting here again. Microblogging is just so much quicker.

But at the same time, I miss my lengthy entries, though probably other people don't.

Uploaded new icons, even though I hardly use my own journal. Maybe one day that'll change again.

For now, seriously need to crash because hoping to get some grocery shopping and cleaning done tonight. We'll see how I manage!
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jevana: ([Ea] mrrrrp)
So I think I need to take up word-vomiting on my journal more than I have been. I feel a whole lot more like I'm able to plot more efficiently for myself this way.

So yes. Going to be posting here more. Hopefully.
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jevana: ([Kiritsugu + Kirei] ... um? Whut.)
So this icon is kind of what I need right now.

Anyway.

Thinking thinky thoughts.

I think this year I will endeavor to go back to school.

And of course, hopefully a new job.

But either way, back to school for me, definitely.

I don't like feeling so stagnate. I know school can become tedious and boring to me after a time, but I figure as long as I'm doing things, I won't be bored.

I don't know when boredom became my worst enemy.

Maybe it always was.

So yeah. Would sink into A Mood, but nnnnnope. Not gonna.

Instead, tomorrow will before cleaning and maybe shopping for food. Since that's a thing.

Endeavoring to better myself because I hit a slump sometime in the fall and still haven't recovered--in fact, holiday season made it worse.

But now I'm getting over it, so...

Yes.
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jevana: ([Vocaloid - Len + Kaito] TOTAL K.O.)
I just really would like to not be me.
jevana: ([Kou] thoughts and ponderings)
Feeling a bit disconnected.

I really would like this feeling to stop coming around so often...

Ah well.

Work starts in the afternoon and it's 3 days of 12 hours shifts. So bed time for me.
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jevana: ([Irisviel x Kiritsugu] peaceful days)
In some place other than my plurk.

Anyway, changed layout. Still with the bright pinkish color but more of an accent--which is what I was looking for last time. Smooth subtleties with bright accents. Mmm...

Currently still at work but meh meh meh...

I'll eventually do a thorough update involving what I've been up to recently, but energy levels...

In any case, currently, I'm debating which of the books from my list I should read. The green-labeled books are the ones currently still in Louisiana. Blue-labled are here in Seattle. And then out of the Partially Read groups, I got this list:

  • Age of Fables (collection of Aesop's fables)
  • Alice in Wonderland
  • Anansi Boys
  • The Count of Monte Cristo
  • Faust
  • Grimm's Fairy Tales
  • Iron Kingdom (Prussian history)
  • John Dies at the End
  • A Tale of Two Cities
  • Volcanoes in Human History

    ... so. Which should I finish reading first? What order should I go in?

    This is the question plaguing my mind currently, hence my also coming to my journal to whine about it.

    I plot to have all these read before the end of August. :')

    My Books Read list from 2011 wasn't TOO bad but I hope to have my collection here in Seattle read through before the year is out. Considering I have like 84 books up here now... well. It's a challenge.

    Goooooosh. Books. ♥♥♥
    .
  • jevana: ([Kiritsugu] why in my day...)
    how is it june already?

    not much to say--or there's a lot to say but braining right now would be too much effort.

    whoot.
    .
    jevana: ([Kiritsugu] NO MOLESTING ALLOWED)
    Just letting people know I'm still alive (though I think the people who know me on DW are almost all the same who know me on plurk and in RP so...).

    I'll probably write something more substantial later but I really just don't have a lot of energy for much of anything today. Fun fact: having near anxiety attack at work is A++.

    Because had a bit of a freak-out with the whole... idk. soooocializing thing. Work is socializing if you have interact with people a lot--let no on tell you otherwise.

    I really... really cannot wait until the 23rd. I need a vacation. I need a break. This is getting to be a real drag to me and I feel disconnected from everything IRL and like I mentioned somewhere before (probably my plurk) but reality is hard enough for me as it is. This huge disconnect is my coping mechanism or something--had it since I was little and it's. just. really hard.

    So yeah. That is a thing. Plus all the things in my previous entry still apply. Though I think I'll be dropping [personal profile] iscrewtothink and [personal profile] aventually. And then... I will have . . . 6 characters still.

    ... gj, me. You know management via APPING MORE GAMES. s-sob. drop 2 gain 1 winnaaaar

    I am also trying to. accept the fact that I can't always hide in obscurity and my actions affects other people. Derp. See, I have this terrible tendency to forget I'm not the only person in the world sometimes--not really in an egotistical manner but because I get so caught up in what I'm doing, I don't realize I'm slighting someone. And. Yeah. Things.

    IN REALITY LAND... I'm basically at work for 12 hours shifts and weird times but thankfully have been able to keep in contact with people throughout the night or else I would go absolutely insane. Working nights also means I'm asleep when everyone's awake and. herpherp. Thiiiiings.

    And. all I do is work, sleep, travel on bus. T-this is Jeva like... 14+ hours a day, you guys. When I work. So I've been neglecting house chores and this makes me go, "FUCK. CLEARLY I AM THE WORST ROOMMATE." and then Lady has to be like "Dude, chill out. :|a We cool." at me and then I'm all the [PSYDUCK EMOTICON] [FUSSY FEET EMOTICON] and various other things.

    I really, really wonder how I function in normal society. Haa...

    A-anyway. I'm just really kind of frazzled and a bit stressed and so I think I. will just. need to drop some RP characters, so some chores on my weekend, and GO TO THE EFFING AVENGERS MOVIE. FUCK YES.

    Can has plan.
    .
    jevana: ([Kiritsugu] . . . my life . . .)
    I keep forgetting to update this thing.

    Okay, so basically, we all know I write in this thing for myself.

    So I'm gonna babble about nothing.

    Not that anyone reads this anymore.

    And if you do, kudos to you.

    So. Basically.

    I'm having a bit of trouble.

    Balance. I am terrible at it. But it's especially getting harder now that I know that it's a Problem. I mean. I used to pull this kind of shit in [community profile] cfud all the time back in the day (by which I mean 2008-2011, mostly). Playing over at [insanejournal.com profile] sabra_la_tau actually taught me a lot about playing characters and picking at threads slowly at a period of time.

    The problem?

    I got used to playing 3 characters at a time. Or less.

    I currently have 6 (technically 7) characters.

    Dr. Franken Stein in Camp.

    Jinx (Kuroba Kaito/Kaitou Kid), Hatake Kakashi, Prussia, Aven (the Meta-Crisis Doctor), and Emiya Kiritsugu in [community profile] thusia.

    And Kakashi over at [community profile] aather.

    Now. I can handle all of the AC. But I'm getting to the point where I just. Want to drop things because I just... what. Why is everyone wanting me to be everywhere at once. This is weird. Is this popularity? I don't know this sort of things... when did that happen? Why? I don't get it...

    I'm socially stupid, if you couldn't tell.

    And I still don't think I'm that great of an RPer.

    Especially when I've been threaddroppy as hell about things. I guess one of the things that complicates things even more is that Jinx is technically three characters in one so he's got a lot of shit going for him. Kakashi and Kiritsugu are my new guys so they're still shiny and I'm still settling in with Kakashi in Aather and Kakashi in Thusia's been going through shit and trying to make things work but haha. Prussia and Aven I've been especially droppy with mostly because with Prussia, he's still in DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL but recent thread with Ikki has cheered him up a lot because IMPORTANT CROW THING REMEMBERS ME somewhat. With Aven, it's more that I just plain run out of energy when I get around to him because...

    Kiritsugu's been having... a hell of a time in Thusia. No. Really. HELL. He's only on his fourth day now (technically even though I haven't commented to a Day 44 post) and he's... been beaten up, almost killed, threatened, found out about what happened to his daughter, had his wife show up, had his adopted-son-but-not-his-adopted-son show up and then he and his Servant attacked Saber (not cool man not cool), was told about his adopted-son-turned-an-hero... and all of this with him with fried magic circuits, weakened health, and Kotomine Kirei stalking him somewhat. Not to mention how (not that he knows but...) Gilgameshes and their masters and peoples are expecting something from him because he seriously wants to kill them... so yeah. Not coping. Very well. And it doesn't help that people are treating him like a wash out, an old man, someone that needs taking care of--while also telling him he should have some self-worth. Ah. Ha. And EVERYTHING TERRIBLE THAT HAPPENED BACK HOME SOMEHOW ALL TRACES BACK TO HIM.

    So yeeeeaaaah. I've been distracted playing with all of that... because Fate/Thusia cast is BIG and GROWING and IT'S EXCITING and I admit I am favoring it over my already-developed CR and canons and castmates...

    So of course since I'm juggling all of that and terrified of failing at Aather again, so I've been trying to get Kakashi settled over there (hahahahahaha--HE'S STILL NOT but it's only been 4 IC days for him, too...), I've been COMPLETELY ignoring Stein. And I. Want to keep mad scientist, so having to post by Monday...

    Not to mention I want to play in [community profile] enrichment_center and I want my troll (re: Izaya) back--but the question is: should I bring him back to Thusia or should I app him to Portal Game? Or both...? God, Kakashi was the first time I ever played one character in two games and I'm completely willing to do that with Izaya because I like trolling as Pecha the former Uroboros from Sabra La Tau. It's fun. Especially since Kida and Celty threatened him right off in their intro...

    Idk. I worry that I'm disappointing people when I burn out or just haven't been in the mood to play certain characters for long threads. I mean. I can get back into the habit of commenting once in a while, just to make sure my CR doesn't kill other people's CR and such.

    People say "You shouldn't worry about all of this, just do what's fun for you"--but I want to be a cool kid and make it work for everyone. So I'll be. idk. Doing a rotation thing or something. I.e. I don't comment on one thread two times in a row without checking my other threads first to see if there's a new comment. And if I start to die a bit in energy levels, I tell the other person which character/thread I'm going to drop off. Since I. Haven't. Been doing that. And have been looking like a dick by playing in one thread but not another with established CR and such...

    So yeah.

    I just needed to talk this out a bit.

    I'm still having a lot of fun!

    But it's... still weird.

    I'm not that great of a player but I guess people have fun with me enough to want to play with me frequently? I wish I could still work-ninja but new trainee at work means that that's waaaay limited for now... meaning threading in early mornings... in between shifts...

    Ah well. I'll figure things out...

    TL;DR RP IS SRS BIZNIZ, U GAIZ


    ETA: On a non-RP note: I think I pulled something at the bottom of my left foot. Or it's the ankle that fucked it up. Either way, it's kind of painful and I should find my ankle brace to see if that'll help with it. Mrrrh.
    .
    jevana: ([Jack] But consider a moment & time)
    Haha... maybe I should... try to figure things out for myself. Because as it stands, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

    I guess it's okay, though? I've been... a lot better these past few years than I have been in years prior. I realize this every time I go back and read this journal of mine.

    And yet, I still have these moments where I realize just. How completely incomplete a person I am.

    I don't understand why that is.

    So I guess I just need to continue to learn and what I still can't understand, at least fake it well enough to get by.

    That's usually how it goes, right?
    .

    I LIVE!

    Apr. 6th, 2012 07:39 pm
    jevana: ([Prussia] Lebewohl sagen)
    And am currently making chaos into order by cleaning apartment.

    Good ol' cathartic chores.

    In other news, will be Sakuracon tomorrow and Sunday, hopefully. But today was very much needed adult things getting done--like CLEANING and LAUNDRY and BILLS. It's awesome.

    Beyond this, I'll be trying to get back into the habit of posting here. Plurk is all well and good but bottle-stuffing is something I've been turning to again and that's never been healthy for me. But eh, well.
    .
    jevana: ([Allen] continue til morale improves)
    I hate that want to cry at/on someone. No one wants to deal with sad or upsetting things. And no one likes a crybaby and that's how I feel today. Crying off and on.

    Like people have told me all my life, I shoukd just keep growing tougher skin until things don't hurt anymore. That would make the most sense, right?

    I'll get over this. I hate being this weak but I also hate having to pick up the pieces and going one step at a time forward but fuck if I know how to do differently at this point.

    /listens to BUMP OF CHICKEN forever.
    .
    jevana: ([Kaito] a rose for a rose)
    So yes.

    This is my announcement to ma peeps at LJ that I am moving over to Dreamwidth. As much as I've loved the past 7 years at LJ, it's now going in a direction I can't follow. So. You can find me at Jevana @ DW.

    And I'll just keep trucking on.

    Hope to be seeing you guys!


    ETA: BTW, DC/MKers! Newest Challenge is up at [livejournal.com profile] manycases1truth! So feel free to have at!

    I'm still working on getting things workable to import over to [community profile] manycases1truth so...
    .

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